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Who Would YOU Have to Become?

LoveNote. . . When you fail to hit the target, never in history has it been the target’s fault. – Larry Winget

Once upon a time, I spent nearly sixteen months being with a wonderful woman whom I loved very much. I still do. I always will. Somehow there was a very special connection. And we are no longer together. I have discovered that it is possible to love someone and not be with them. It took me a while to be okay with that.

Separation, divorce or death do not end a relationship… they only change it. As long as you have memory you will always be related. We can recognize when a relationship is over and it never ends. The relationship only becomes different… it never ends.

Must separation put an end to friendship? Certainly not. Although we are apart, we remain friends. And that was a personal decision. We both acknowledge that the relationship can never again be as it was.

Even when people occasionally get back together, the relationship can only be different, never as it was. Sometimes better. Sometimes worse. Never as it was.

When we went our separate ways, I sought the assistance of a professional therapist. It was early during those nearly six months that it became very clear that I had very little idea about what I really wanted in a relationship.

In the past I had always accepted what showed up in a relationship and dealt with it as best I could. That was then… this is now. The old way of being in a relationship is no longer good enough for me. It is simply not acceptable.

During this period of self-discovery, I became more aware of who I was being that contributed to my relationship being over. I soon discovered my most pressing need. In my heart I felt a growing need to become deeply engrossed in a relentless search for who I would have to become to have a healthy love relationship.

Regardless of whether you are in a committed relationship or coming out of a relationship, relationships can always be better than they are. Do some careful analysis on how you can make things better. This is a strategy worthy of your very best efforts.

Who would you have to become to have your relationships be great? What could you do differently? Whose assistance could you request? How will you change? Or will you? Are you willing to stop trying to change your love partner? It is not possible to change anyone else. Change is always a personal decision; an individual choice.

Communicate… with love. Be in constant communication about what you want and what you don’t want. Demonstrate your commitment by pledging to help each other stay on the path of self-discovery and to always be opting for a love relationship anchored in unconditional love. Then do something… together, as soon as you can and whenever you can.

Who would you have to become?

Think about it.

Copyright c MCMXCV – Larry James. Reprinted with permission.

This article is adapted from Larry’s books, LoveNotes for Lovers: Words That Make Music for Two Hearts Dancing! and How to Really Love the One You’re With: Affirmative Guidelines for a Healthy Love Relationship (Career Assurance Press).
Author Larry James is also a professional speaker. He presents “Relationship Enrichment LoveShops” nationally for singles and couples.

Larry is on staff with Dr. John Gray, Ph.D. and hosts the “Mars & Venus Chat Room” on America Online. For information or to order a personally autographed book call: 800 725-9223. Career Assurance Network, P.O. Box 12695, Scottsdale, AZ 85267-2695. E-Mail: Or visit: Celebrate Love!