A friend plans to remarry. You have mixed feelings. You want to question the decision but hold back because you feel it is none of your business. You want to be enthusiatic but something deep down in your gut screams that something is just not right.
With over 50 percent of marriages ending in divorce and others ending by the early death of a spouse, many people who never planned on looking for another partner find themselves doing just that. They are disoriented, confused, and lonely.
Friends that they had counted on to support them through thick or thin suddenly are too busy trying to keep their own family together to be of much help.
Because those who are now single again have been used to having another person in their lives to help them pay bills, go to social events, take on family responsiblites, and to sound off to about the day-to-day decisions of life, it is not surprising these people might believe that the answer to all their problems would be to acquire a new partner.
When coping with the tailspin of divorce or bereavement, the ability to make sound judgements about the quality of people is flawed. People they would usually not give the time of day to are now being considered as possible mates. Major flaws are ignored, denied, or even invisible.
While emotionally unstable, they make a choice that not only affects two people but the children, and the repercussions may ripple through extended families and friends. Asked to wait by those who can see what they won’t, to give the relationship more time to mature before making a legal commitment, they demonstrate they are not only blind, but deaf.
A potent mix of pressures are at the core of these ill-fated decidions. They believe this is their one and only chance to get another partner. They tell themselves that they’re not getting any younger and, therefore, are not as marketable as they used to be. They usually feel the fear of debt and money pressures beating at their door every moment of the day.
They speak of wanting to do the best for their children, of putting their own concerns on the back burner. They feel responsible for providing a good future for their children, they say, presenting this as the motive for re-marrying as soon as possible. Imagine how devastated they feel when they find out that not only were their children not helped by the hasty re-marriage but that the children had preferred the marriage be delayed.
Again, the saddest consequences befall the children. Repeatedly they are told the parents want what is good for them, only to realize their concerns are not considered.
Often children say nothing because they do not want to hurt the parent’s feelings. They suffer in silence, watching their parents make decisions that will bring unhappiness to them. During these difficult times of long-range decision-making, children may be more like adults than the actual adults involved in the decision making.
People who rush into a new marriage do not deliberately set out to make their children unhappy. Overwhelmed by trying to solve all their problems at once, they create more problems.
The promises uttered during the courtship can create problems for the blended family down the road, once the day to day realities of the new family set in. Promises of closeness and understanding go out the door when the pressures of trying to create a new family surge upward.
Now what? There’s a new marriage; one or both of the partners have sold their home and started a new life with a new partner in a new place. It is possible that one or both now feel stuck and resentful.
Without the intangible support of familiar surroundings, stress begins to build, Often the issues facing the new family are too volatile to work through, and once again, another marriage ends.
Making adjustments before the marriage is easier than after the fact. But for those who are among the many who did not realize this, here are some guidelines to help weather the storm.
1. Make sure that time is set aside for the original family members to be together without the new member or members present so they can re-establish the family bond.
2. Take at least one weekend every three months for a couple getaway. Just like the original family needs time to bond, so does the new couple.
3. The new couple needs to agree on a financial budget and then together talk about it with the children. It is important that the couple speak as one about money issues.
4. The couple needs to talk alone and determine what the rules of the family are going to be. If the father has one set of rules and the mother has another set of rules, it will cause open conflict between the new parent and the child or children.
5. Sell as much stuff from the former life as possible and then replace it with stuff chosen by the new family. Carryover stuff has a tendency to become more like a shrine of the absent parent rather than an important piece of property.
6. If either person has specific plans for the future of their children, they need to inform the other adult what those plans are, ie: schooling, car, clothing, trips, vacations, and why they were made in the first place. Those plans might have made sense in the former relationship but they may be unrealistic in the present family.
7. TIME, TIME, TIME! All change takes time. Families take time. Bonding, real bonding takes time.
© Roger A. Rhoades
Roger A. Rhoades, D.Min., is a licensed professional counselor, a therapist for more than a decade who is nationally known for his considerable skills in the field. He has worked with all ages and races, worked in psychiatric hospitals, worked in drug & alcohol rehab settings. Dr. Rhoades has extensive training in marriage and family therapy and is considered an authority on relationships.
You might have seen Dr. Rhoades’ appearances on national television shows such as The Montel Williams Show, The Rolanda Watts Show, and Biggers and Summers. Most recently a regular on the Jenny Jones Show, he is America’s most popular talk show counselor.