Friends or Lovers? Shouldn’t You Be Both?

You thought it was love. The real thing. Perhaps the two of you shared the same feelings, but you don’t now, and you’ve just been dumped. You feel as though you’ve been dropped into a cold dark hole. Alone. Life is no longer fun. No one can understand your pain. No one.

You’re wrong. We’ve all been there. It’s a given of relationships. Not all of them are going to have a fairy tale ending. There will be pain. That’s a given, too. How soon the pain subsides is dependent on each of us. Mourning for a lost love relationship is natural, normal and healthy. Any loss requires a period of grieving.

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How long and in what manner a person mourns is also dependent upon each of us. Some people appear to move almost effortlessly through a breakup while others take an excrutiatingly long time to get their lives back on track. Length of recovery time is not an indicator of how much we cared.

Wallowing in self-pity and recriminations about the breakup should not become an olympic event. Allow yourself some time to reflect upon the relationship, then stop speculating about what you could have done to keep the relationship together. Some relationships just won’t work.

Keeping the eternal flame burning that he or she will return? Depends upon the nature of the breakup and that person’s previous history. If phone calls are brief and impersonal or messages not returned, take the hint. Give them space.

If they want to get back into your life, they’ll make a move. At that point, you will have the option of responding. Perhaps by that time you’ll have new interests and won’t be interested in renewing the relationship. It could happen.

Saying mean and nasty things about your ex-lover to friends and family is a silly thing to do in addition to being unworthy of you. Should you and he (or she) reconcile at some future date, you’ll have discredited yourself badly. Keep your worst thoughts to yourself. You never know when a new and interesting person will be nearby.

Getting dumped allows you a chance to take a fresh look at your life. It gives you a chance to get in touch with your feelings. It provides time for introspection. It teaches about freedom. Are you, for the first time in your life, making decisions without explaining the reasons to anyone? This is a freedom so few people take the time to appreciate.

Is this your first failed relationship or do you have a history of failures? What is different about this one than the last and the one before that? You should be able to draw parallels, see patterns. Does each relationship have the same blueprint?

Are your choices setting you up for heartache? If you can see the patterns, you can learn and make changes so that future relationships stand more of a chance of survival.

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Don’t run headlong into another relationship. It will be too easy to think tender words and soft reassurances are more than what they are meant to be. You’re aching for someone to show kindness, validate your worth, give you a hug.

Rebound love can occur quickly and be disastrous in the long run. You’ll be exchanging one heartache for another, and hurting someone else in the process. Take your time. No matter how difficult it seems. Slow down. Stop. Observe.

Not every couple you see is happy to be with each other. While you’re envying their couplehood one or the both of them may be envying your single status. There are much worse things than being single. One is being part of an unhappy couple.

Try to avoid those things you did as a couple that will trigger memories. We all have special songs, special places we’ve visited as a couple. Memories are fine but if they make us particularly sad they should be saved for another time. There will come a time when you can listen to a particular song without getting the blues.

Mourn your lost love. Then move on. It will take time, but the pain will get less and less, and one day it will be gone.

You are not alone. Everyone gets dumped sometime.